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Christy Walters
Christy Walters
I'm not sorry if you read this
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

This happiness pains me when you can't feel it too. I'm stuck in a moment where all I want to do is make you feel what I feel. Today was amazing, one of those days when nothing particularly special happens yet you know that somehow it's going to. But wait, something special happened, at least in my eyes. I know you can't see through my eyes, but sometimes I wish you could. It started a few years back. In hindsight you see things in a different light; growing up makes you do that too I guess. I needed to tell them something. It was always in the back of my mind and I never let them know. I don't think I knew it was affecting me at some sub-conscious level, nothing I was willing to admit at least. Time changes everything though. I was stuck in my own point of view. I don't know if it ever would've changed if I didn't have the 'moment of bravery' that affected everything. I needed them in my life. They needed to know. The course of history altered when I came to that realization. So I wrote what I felt. I missed them and I know you are probably feeling the cheesiness, this-has-been-done-before-its-not-special line coming to mind but not really, it's not like that. Face value isn't everything. Normally my writing comes at a more philosophical level, but not tonight. Point blank, this is not about facades. I know my capabilities in some aspects, and am realizing them in others. That's what we all do, what are the 20-somethings for anyways? The cool thing is, I didn't do this on my own. I watched and observed someone else do the same for me. It was an eye opener. There is a core to all of us and unless we leave that open to others, particularly those who live by our side, it will never be realized. I always say I don't know why I write things, but I think I may have grasped that notion tonight. I generally write when emotions come into the picture or strong senses of self that I'm still discovering. I guess you could say it's to learn my own potential, but my reasoning is not important. I mostly write because somehow I hope that in sharing I might do the same as others continuously do for me. So you could call this a monologue. I'm trying not to think too much because that inevitably messes things up. Last night, when I did what I did, it didn't take much thought or effort. Just the opposite and too real to deny. Me going off on a little tangent begins here: I think life has too many parallels for my liking. Off- centered thought you say? I mean, thinking too much, thinking to little, it hurts you in the end: such are the extremes of anything. Taking things too far or not far enough, how will you ever know? Who defined the perfect balance anyways? Does it even exist? Caring too much, caring too little, I guess it's personal flavor coming through. End tangent. I have lots of amazing people in my life and I make room for more. I don't know how I got this lucky but I have a little suspicion. The minute the guard comes down and you let someone else score for a change, they'll be the one leading you to victory soon enough. What's winning in the end if all it does is make others a loser. How cliche baby, haha. Well it is winning and I love winning but I mean, taking all the glory's not fun all of the time. It's stigmatized and socialized to be that way. So while this seems very face value and straightforward, I sometimes like to speak in metaphor, this piece is not exempt. Hopefully you've discerned the good and will forget the iffy. I don't expect anyone to try to read my mind, especially as raw as it's coming tonight. So it's getting late, i have to work early and part of me is feeling as though I wasted a good 20 minutes, my better half feels otherwise. So ignore the mumble jumble, ignore my punctuation errors, even ignore my uncapitalized i's. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Please don't ignore the words behind my words. Well, unless you can't relate and I've bored you to the tee. I would say I'm sorry, but I can't lie, I'm not sorry if you read this.



June 24, 2008 | 11:03 PM Comments  0 comments

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